Did everyone else have a great holiday weekend? Are we feeling rested and nice and prepared to return to regular life? Good! ‘Cause I’m about to ruin your week.
In case you used your holiday time to unplug and give yourself a break from the internet, I’ll catch you up on what you missed. Last week a new health trend swept social media, and folks, it’s a doozy. A woman who goes by metaphysicalmeagan on Instagram shared her recent addition to her self-care routine, which is, I swear to fuck, buttchugging the sun.
Usually I’m pretty concerned about and against things like climate change or nuclear war but sometimes I think,”Actually , we really do deserve to get Destroyed ”
This practice is apparently called”perineum sunning”, and above the many, many things about this that need to be addressed, I think my biggest issue with this is they didn’t call it”shining sunlight where the sun do not shine.” Truly a shameful waste of a great opportunity. But I digress.
Upon first seeing this post I went through a number of emotional transitions not too dissimilar from the stages of grief — denial, pain, anger, depression, but instead of acceptance I think I’ve swung back around to somewhere between denial and anger. Meagan lists the supposed benefits of opening your third eye to the sun, among which are”flashes of energy nearly immediately” and”bringing people on exactly the identical wavelength and regularity”. You know what also gets the blood pumping? A brisk walk! A shot of espresso! pondering your own existence and inevitable death! A cold shower! Just so, so many things that don’t involve absorbing the sun into your asshole. I will say though, if you happen upon someone else who is also soaking up some rays into their backdoor while you are, you are definitely on the same wavelength and like, NO ONE else’s.
While it’s safe to say I’m never trying this, it was only a matter of time before celebrities hopped on the Sunny Bunghole Express — but the first person to ass-chug the Kool-Aid was definitely a bit of a surprise.
It was… Josh Brolin.
Yeah, the Josh Brolin from No Country For Old Men, Josh Brolin from Sicario, Joshua “Thanos” Brolin sunned his perineum on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving… and had a few things to say about it.
“Tried this perineum sunning I’ve been hearing and also my proposal would be DO NOT get it done for as long as I really did. My pucker gap is mad burnt and I had been going to spend your afternoon shopping with my family members and alternatively I’m icing and with aloe vera and burnt ointments on account of the intensity of this pain. I actually don’t understand who the fuck thought of the dumb shit but fuck you still. Seriously.
Wellthere you have it. Might as well dub his taint Icarus, because this flew too near sunlight (form of) and finished up paying the purchase price. Heed his caution leave your butthole alone.
Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did. My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit but fuck you nonetheless. Seriously. #blackholefriday #blackholesun #severeperineumburns #santamonicafiredepartment #assholecare