A note from Brie Adelas, host of How To Be A Jerk:
“Being a jerk can seem to work so well for so many others, but it can also be challenging and seem out of reach. For me, it wasn’t always easy. I used to have a sense of human compassion that got in the way of my greatest jerk potential, but by simply forming the habits of a jerk, – I became one. Today I’m gonna teach you how to be a jerk to your friends!”
HOW TO BE A JERK TO YOUR FRIENDS
When someone makes plans with you, immediately say yes, but keep in mind you can bail at any time! Pick a place to meet that’s as close to your house as possible: this will give you ample time to decide if you actually want to go or not. When your friend arrives at the agreed-upon place tell them you’re on your way or almost there (no matter how far out you are!)
Technology has made it easier than ever to be a jerk to anyone you want anytime! A few general rules to follow:
- the longer the text you receive, the shorter your response should be. If they text you a whole paragraph, try to respond with something like, “K” or “Nice!” or a picture of your genitals.
- Whenever a hilarious video you remember watching six weeks ago comes up in coweersation, force your friend to watch it with you. Take as long as possible to find it and get it to load.
- Post photos with you and your friends to show everyone you have friends, but also make sure you look hot and your friend looks like.
You will need to see your friends in person eventually (you know – to maintain the friendship status), and when you do, you’ll need to have an actual coweersation with them (ew!). Don’t worry though – you don’t actually have to listen (whew!) You just have to be able to say, “Yeah, totally, ” or, “Yeah, that’s crazy!” If the coweersation gets “too real, ” randomly change the subject a lot!
Now you know how to be a jerk to your friends, and you can join the rest of the jerks as they gleefully destroy everything in their path! You might be wondering: why be a jerk? Why ruin all your relationships and make everyone (and eventually – yourself) so miserable? Um. look, we’re just showing HOW to be a jerk, we’re not guiding you on WHY you would WANT to be a jerk – you’ll just have to evaluate your own personal baggage and past trauma to answer that!
Amanda Cerny (Brie Adelas)
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